Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Its my first Birth day

Current mood: thankful

Today, November 14th 2006, marks my one year sobriety date. My nose and brain finally have a break from the four years of abuse I put them thru. I look back and try to center on how I lived such a detailed lie for so many years. Unless you partied with me you'd never know that I was using, but I was 90% of the time we interacted. I was on something always, that goes for classes, meetings, parties, work etc. I'm excited to say that I haven't had a craving for Them since my last time using. Its weird to think that a year ago tonight I was pumping myself up with snow angles and that I woke up the next day feeling that I was about to die. What is more weird is that I did not attribute my pain and suffering to drugs, I did what I always did, I made an excuse for my poor behavior.

Now I realize (hine sight is 20/20) that my abuse came from my personal fight for happiness and that I was using to cover up feelings I felt I was not strong enough to face alone. Now I know it is much easier to go through life feeling, rather than numb. I should be dead right now due to abuse. Instead I look back at the friends I lost to drugs to jail to death or all three and I cry. Not because what happen, happened, but because they did not learn soon enough. Initially I did not quit for myself, or for my mom...who just found out the entire truth after picking my drunk ass up from the airport in September. I did not quit after spending two weeks in rehab post coming off of a month long binge of X or after watching my friend drop down in seizures at a bail party, or after having surgery on my nose canal and throat. I quit for the beautiful wonder girl that I am lucky to be an aunt too, she turned one six days ago, I love her more than I've ever loved anything. Call it a lame excuse but I did not want to be the loser druggy aunt that she did not look up too. I want to be, and will be, the successful, happy aunt that she can look up too, share secretes with, gets advice from. And while she does these things, she'll never know that she saved my life, but she did.

For those of you still suffering, you may not know it, but I see it, I pray for you everyday.


Amanda 2001

Cameron 2003

Uncle Darryl 2004

Brett 2005

Kiwi 2005

Uncle Bill 2006

Travis "GoatBalls" 2006