Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Its my first Birth day

Current mood: thankful

Today, November 14th 2006, marks my one year sobriety date. My nose and brain finally have a break from the four years of abuse I put them thru. I look back and try to center on how I lived such a detailed lie for so many years. Unless you partied with me you'd never know that I was using, but I was 90% of the time we interacted. I was on something always, that goes for classes, meetings, parties, work etc. I'm excited to say that I haven't had a craving for Them since my last time using. Its weird to think that a year ago tonight I was pumping myself up with snow angles and that I woke up the next day feeling that I was about to die. What is more weird is that I did not attribute my pain and suffering to drugs, I did what I always did, I made an excuse for my poor behavior.

Now I realize (hine sight is 20/20) that my abuse came from my personal fight for happiness and that I was using to cover up feelings I felt I was not strong enough to face alone. Now I know it is much easier to go through life feeling, rather than numb. I should be dead right now due to abuse. Instead I look back at the friends I lost to drugs to jail to death or all three and I cry. Not because what happen, happened, but because they did not learn soon enough. Initially I did not quit for myself, or for my mom...who just found out the entire truth after picking my drunk ass up from the airport in September. I did not quit after spending two weeks in rehab post coming off of a month long binge of X or after watching my friend drop down in seizures at a bail party, or after having surgery on my nose canal and throat. I quit for the beautiful wonder girl that I am lucky to be an aunt too, she turned one six days ago, I love her more than I've ever loved anything. Call it a lame excuse but I did not want to be the loser druggy aunt that she did not look up too. I want to be, and will be, the successful, happy aunt that she can look up too, share secretes with, gets advice from. And while she does these things, she'll never know that she saved my life, but she did.

For those of you still suffering, you may not know it, but I see it, I pray for you everyday.


Amanda 2001

Cameron 2003

Uncle Darryl 2004

Brett 2005

Kiwi 2005

Uncle Bill 2006

Travis "GoatBalls" 2006

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Where is the Manuel?

Why does life not come with a manual and why do i feel like EVERYONE i know is running around with their head on sideways? We all pretend to know what the truth is, what the best choices are, but we're all just guessing. And NO ONE knows.
I'm guessing, and right now i'm as confused as....the elephant man in space? A dog in a cats body? You feel me. I'm single again, and yea i know that was out of left field, but i really needed it.  I'm trying to stay away from the person i've been crushing, as too not get sucked in to the rebound effect.....i'm really really bad at that.
and on love, EVERYONE is getting married. Did i miss a memo? Is it really time for us to grow up and do all this shit? And i try to be a supportive a possible. But when most people tell me my thought process runs something like this:
1. thinkin "hmm ok la, smile"---saying--OMG CONGRATS
2. thinkin "DO you know the divorce rate right now?"-saying---did you pick a date?
3. thinking "I'll be out of law school in 4, if you need a divorce lawyer "saying--i'll be out of law school in 4 if you need a divorce lawyer
4. Thinking if you love someone that much, you DON"T need some paper telling you that your love is legit saying---NOTHING
5. Thinking Man, i would be married to Cat right now if we'd stayed together....thank G-d i'm not Doing--holding back from puking
My house in MD got flooded so i Don't know if i can move PLUS Moveon.org offered me a job in Atlanta but yea.....
I'm not suicidal in anyway but man i wish i could get to cloud 10 and float away, land on the south Isle of New Zealand, and wait for her there (in like 50 years)
or i wish life came with a manual

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Gainesville, Ga makes COver Page of Washington Post---Immigration in a small town

(Reason number 456 why I hate this place-The Natives)

I wake up Monday morning at Rachs not on campus. I'm Already late to class so I decided to take it easy and do what I do best. Smoke and read the newspaper, a tradition I haven't done since winter break due to a lack of time. I go to my favorite of favorites washingtonpost.com and on the "front page" it reads "Towns-Eye View of Immigration Debate: In Ga., Influx fills a Gap in Workforce."

"Oh Shit!," I think to myself a native to D.C. I understand the Yankees view of southerners: Rednecks, ignorant, racist. Part of me hoped the article would dispel some of that stereotype. But the better part of me knew it that it would not.

"How many people can this country hold?" Harold Hogsed asked a native to Gainesville, GA and a man bold enough to go on record saying that he "wishes they would all go home." For those who've traveled to Gainesville, you no in doubtingly know who "they" are. For those who have not, "they"= recent hispanic immigrants. I've lived in Gainesville, GA for four years now, and I am happy to say I will not see a fifth. The town prides it self as the poultry capital of the world, the cause, for the large influx of immigrants. But the small town 50 miles outside of Atlanta is more. Until 1990s Gainesville was a town where time stood still, just the way the natives hoped it would. Gainesville is more than a poultry capital of the world; it is the KKK capital of GA, and home of Dale Carver, the Grand Dragon himself. (take a right on Southers Rd off of Ledan, second house on the left). The town is segregated by a set a railroad tracks and a highway. One high school is mixed racist, but the others are clearly Red, White, and Black with little mixing of the races. It is home to one small private university (a bubble within a bubble) a two year school and a technical school. There is a meth and coke problem that the GBI, until recently, had little handle over. And the city is more recently known for its 37 and 15 year old newlyweds. In short, the town is backwards, but people like it, they are content and complacent in their surroundings.

So when Harold Hogsed says that he wishes they would all go home, can you blame him? The towns population stands at approximately 32,000, nearly double what it was in 1990 and according to the article in The Post the number of Hispanics has quadrupled to compose nearly half the registered population,keyword is registered, soo the number does not reflect illegals. City schools are 55 percent Hispanic and at least 1 child of illegal immigrants are registered EVERYDAY. Thats big step from 15 years ago especially for a town that was probably pissed when the Civil Rights act got passed in 1964---the local university did not have its first African American Student until 1974. Naturally Harold is a little pissed.

Nationally George "Dumbass" Bush is working on his solution for immigration..no not a wall with snipers every 10 feet. Bush wants to have some sort of workers permit. He wants to allow immigrants to come to America legally, work, and then go home after a few years. If they want to stay and hang out, become citizens, then cool, just get in line. GA Governor Sonny Perdue (I didnt know immigration was a state issue, I always assumed it was strickly federal) is considering anti-immigration bills, and will receive strong support from a majority of the GA senate.

I don't have a black and white opinion on immigration as a whole but when it comes to Gainesville, Fuck it! why would immigrants come to Gainesville, if they did not have jobs. A lot goes in to becoming the poultry capital of the world, it takes workers and the LEGAL workers get paid, but hey, they get taxed first just like anybody else. On local gov't needs to step up its ESOL program. Im not pro immigration, but I'm not for a totally halt of a group of people just because (fill in whatever stereotype, loose based fact here) This is life, this is America, melting pot for a reason. Many of us are impostors on this Great Land. Who are we to single out (yet another) group of people simple because it makes us uncomfortable?


Town's Eye View of Immigration Debate Original Washington Post Article by Peter Slevin